It might not get you where you need to go, but it will definitely get you somewhere. Or sometime.

Crispian Jago’s Dr. Who Tube Map. Click for the interactive version!

In London, the Tube is a necessary evil. It’s too expensive, most of the time there’s some inexplicable delay or closure, and at rush hour you feel like a nauseated sardine in a tin can. However, sometimes it’s a refuge from the bitter cold or a great relief to your tired feet, and it generally gets you where you need to go. 

Locals follow certain unspoken rules on the Tube, mostly to make it slightly more bearable for everyone. Here’s some basic tips that should help take that “Tourist!” sign off your forehead:

• Be prepared for just about anything. Signal failures, fire alarms, ill passengers, line work, whatever. All of this can lead to partial or (ugh) total line closures, delays, irritation. Give yourself extra time and don’t look too put out because people will take it in stride.
• Try to look serious, especially during the week. Think of it as a little game. Tell yourself, “I can pretend to look as miserable as everyone around me actually is!” And don’t stare at people. They’ve had a rough day, week, life. 
• Grab a free copy of the Evening Standard before entering the station if it’s available. Everyone reads it on the Tube; it’s a great paper and a nice way to pass the time. Besides, you never actually sit down and read a paper, do you?
• Walk all the way down to either the back or front of the platform if you have time (unless it’s very quiet). The middle of the train is always the most crowded.
• Snag a seat. Tourists dawdle, locals dive. Grab any available seat, including the leaning seats at the back of the cars and the folding ones at the doors. Give up your seat for an old lady or someone on crutches, because you’re a nice person.
• Make your bags as compact as possible. Purses on laps, shopping bags behind legs, that sort of thing. If some jerk has a bag on the only seat, make him move it, or else the person behind you will.
• Don’t read over people’s shoulders, especially it they’re texting/emailing. Don’t have loud conversations or make a scene. Most people will be quietly listening to their iPods and reading, and they expect the same of everyone else.
• On the escalators, stand on the right, walk on the left. DO NOT stand on the left or people might go nutso. 
• If there are elevators (like at Covent Garden, for example), take them. They’re usually there because the stairs suck.
• Look on a map before travelling, because sometimes it’s easier to walk, or to go to a nearby station on another line. Some lines are slower than others (District!). Some stations are insanely close together, some are really far apart. Covent Garden is a great example of a popular destination with several nearby stations and lines. On the weekends, the station is crazy, and for no good reason.
• If you have to travel at rush hour (my apologies), and the platform is packed, check the board for train arrivals. If there are trains arriving in 1 min., 3 mins., and 5 mins., you might want to wait. Clear out the suckers.
• Instead of paper tickets, locals use an Oyster card, basically a debit card. There’s a small deposit, but it saves you a decent amount of money if you travel 3x a day or less. If you’re here for a set period of time, you can add day passes to the card, which allow unlimited Tube and bus trips in the center of the city, and you can even add on (or “top up”) the cost of extra trips to Heathrow, etc. Your card will come in a bright yellow Ikea holder. Change that as soon as possible.
• Have your Oyster card in hand as you enter a Tube station and again as you go up the escalators/elevator to leave. Look for the gates with green arrows. Hold the card directly on the yellow pad, wait for it to beep, and the gates will open. If it screws up (and it will), don’t freak, walk back off the metal pad, and try again. 
• If you are planning to stay out late, make sure you check the closing times on your stations/lines. Many small stations close way too early.